Romantic Love

It has been a really long time since I last wrote on my blog. Why? Shortly after my last blog post, after I was freed up from my all-consuming epic year-end project, I fell madly in love with someone in a way that I have never fallen in love with anyone before. And like all things that I become passionate about, I hyper-focused on this new love, forgetting that an entire world exists outside of it.

When emotionally intense highly sensitive people fall in love, they fall VERY deeply in love.

Rose

I thought to myself, “Why did it take me so long to feel this way for another person? What was different about this time?” Of course it has to do with Kimberley-Rae, my now-girlfriend, being one of a kind – one does not simply come across someone as beautiful and amazing as her. But the intensity of the romantic feelings that I experienced also had much to do with the emotional freedom that I broke into after having successfully gone through a great deal of emotional healing and fear conquering over the past recent years.

Although emotionally sensitive people are designed to experience intense romantic feelings that are unattainable by most of the world, many of them, including my old self, have difficulty reaching those emotions because of their many areas of emotional anxiety. Emotional anxiety, the fear of difficult emotions, causes people to be very controlled in what kind of emotions they allow themselves to feel. All of this control gives people the illusion that their emotional experience will waver within the “safe zone.” The unfortunate side-effect, however, is that the underlying fear that never gets dealt with robs people of their ability to experience super high “highs.” In order for me to fall deeply in love as I did, I first had to bring myself to a place where I felt unconditionally safe to experience the whole spectrum of emotions. This place can only be reached after allowing oneself to feel anger, sadness, regret, loneliness, shame, guilt, heart break, etc.

Feeling the intense emotions of being in love for the first time was not so easy for me. I became obsessive. I clicked through every single one of her photos. Rather than simply “feeling” my emotions, my mind took over and I began thinking way too much. I fantasized about a nice future with her. I replayed our first date in my mind over and over again. Although I attended many Christmas parties, my mind could not be distracted away from thoughts of her. My conversations with my friends centered around her. As I meditated on her, my emotions followed and I fell even more deeply in love. I fell so deep that I began to think, “there is no possible way that she feels the same way for me.” This thought was so depressing. My romantic emotions then turned into love sickness. I could not sleep. I could not eat. I was a total mess. I finally understood how those famous sixteenth century poets must have felt in their epic poems about unrequited love. There was no doubt in my mind – I wanted her. For our second date, I was determined to eradicate all ideas of platonic friendship from her mind (if she had any). I did not let mystery have any place in our second date: I came with flowers, held her hand, and kissed her that night. It was one of the happiest moments of my life haha.

Daniel Kim and Kimberley-Rae

Now looking back, I realize that I could have saved myself from my emotional rollercoaster ride had I handled the emotion of being in love differently. I could have used mindfulness techniques to simply feel my emotions instead of letting my mind take over. I could have lived in the present moment rather than live in the past (replaying our first date in my mind) or the future (fantasizing about our future together). In the end, I know I still would have fallen for Kim. After having gone through this experience, I feel like I can be there for my future children when they fall in love and have no clue how to handle themselves.

For the next three months, Kim will be modeling in Tokyo. Please show my lovely girlfriend support by liking her Facebook page and following her on Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr blog. Thanks!

Kimberley-Rae

www.facebook.com/kimberleyraec
www.instagram.com/kimberryrae
www.twitter.com/kimberleyraexo
http://kimberley-rae.tumblr.com

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11 thoughts on “Romantic Love

  1. Danny kim says:

    Hey Daniel!! Do u remember me? Ive always liked ur pics at facebk, instagram and twitter. i think u really know yourself exactly:) almost everything of your pics were the pics with ur girlfriend kim :) It was so sweeet haha. I think You guys are really well-match couple. i hope u marry her soon!!

  2. Harsimran says:

    really enjoyed reading this! can related to some of the things uve said and your quite right!

  3. Dorothy Nam says:

    im sooooooooooooooooooooo happy for you!!! ^^

  4. So pleased to hear of your romance and trying not to think about how a mind so orderly and competent will plan a new life together. Just the thought is too intense for me but I delight in it for you. Praying for you both, including that her work will speak to many and generate all the truly earned appreciation it deserves.

  5. KC says:

    I’m really happy for you! Just please be careful. I have been obsessive in my relationship for 16 years, and many times it has brought both me & our relationship to the brink of self-destruction. I’ve always said that I’m just very passionate. Although we are insanely compatible, I know my patterns of thinking have made things very difficult at times when they didn’t always need to be…

  6. Jorgy Manuhutu says:

    Hey, I’m a fan of yours :) Hope your relationship will long last and you will always success..
    But I have a question, if you don’t mind to answer, do you love turquoise that much? I was impressed when I see your blog full of turquoise -I’m melting-

  7. Evelyne says:

    Wonderful news! I wish you the best!

  8. lauren says:

    I have a question-im new to learning about my ocpd. And I’ve recently become aware of quite a self destructive pattern in my life when it comes to relationships (or, rather, I’ve come to see it in a different light). And I’m not sure if its an ocpd problem or another so if anyone has any insight I’d greatly appreciate your opinion.
    I choose the worst men. I attract the most emotionally deprived damaged guys (eg psychopath, bipolar narcissist, addict …). Now, last night I realised that with all 3 relationships I’ve had, after meeting another guy – that I never liked them at all in the beginning. We were not at all on the same page. I was not stimulated by them in any emotional, spiritual, intellectual capacity. It was all actually surface level. I then kicked in to my obsession and made myself think I loved them, wanting the best for them, feeling down and sick. I choose guys who I know will use me (just as I use them-though I am loyal to the point of self-sacrificing), hurt me and in the process I am hurting myself.
    I have been working on myself as I am also a recovering addict with 2+yrs clean, but even this weekend I managed to attract and be attracted to someone absolutely terrible for me. But now I know it and am fighting this achilles heel of mine. I am now wondering though, and this is my question, am I doing this as a way to not feel too much (happiness at least), to block my feelings and save myself (destructive coping mechanism) – I make sure I’m not on the same page so that I do not have an emotional bond and try save myself from being hurt (although it never ever stops me from feeling hurt and rejected in the end- but I block those feelings by intellectualizing that they do not have the capacity to love etc. And then the self harming thoughts come that I never attract any guys as the only ones that think they like me actually are incapable of feeling). whew, I’ve needed to say this to someone for a long time. Thank you for giving me the space to be vulnerable on here

    • Daniel Kim says:

      OCPD or not, our tendency to go for people who are bad for us usually comes from a place of brokenness, insecurity, anxiety, etc. The stronger those areas are (and for a lot of people with OCPD those areas are very strong), the greater need and desperation there is to control those areas through the use of people. If you work on your brokenness, your need and desperation would decrease and you can wait more patiently for the right person. You will not overvalue and give extra points to men who happen to possess the qualities that control your areas of brokenness. You will instead value and give points to qualities that actually contribute to a healthy relationship.

  9. Kam says:

    I had the same thing man recently…… this is true stuff

  10. Isaac says:

    Hi, Dan.
    After happening to bump on your music on youtube, I gradually came over here to see you blog. Just wanted to say that your work is mind-blowing and that you are akin to a modern-day Kierkkegaard; without the sad bits where Kierkkegaard abandons his fiance in order to devote himself to God as his own one being, without worldly attachments. He was in constant struggle with his own emotions but nevertheless fought his battles by writing them down, thus propelling him to become Denmark’s finest theologian in recent times.

    Kierkkegaard was Denmark’s, as well as one the world’s most important contributers to modern existentialist thought and theology; whereas Nietszche, the nihilist, breaks down upon the realization that man cannot be ‘uber’ in the sense that man cannot be alone in his existence, despite his attempts at philosophy trying to prove vice versa.

    I would love to see you get involved in pursuit of academic philosophy in an age where information is tying up people’s existence onto thir computers; where the meaning of existence itself is changed/altered by technological as well as market advances; how more and more people are awakening to a heightened sense of identity and emotions. In a way you already are, as this blog explores deep emotions and is certainly a great work in itself. Why not move on further and establish a name for yourself in the academic field? Or be a larger you by reaching to more people with your work and philosophy?

    If one’s life can be determined by how he fights his battles against his own self, then you, with your work, is being true freedom to people, where, as you mentioned, false intimacies and distractions makes us avoid these questions. Freedom through the realization that the embracing of our inner selves such is possible.

    However though, momentary relief from such anxiety is not enough. It comes back to us constantly. The religious called it evil, Satanic forces, etc, but what is important is that when the emotions comes in wave after wave, you gradually wear down and get tired. Hemingway portrayed this very well in the Old Man and the Sea. Why continue the struggle? What meaning is there to all this?
    They lost faith.

    A leap of Faith, was the term that Kierkkegaard coined as a solution. To have a leap faith is that despite everything telling you otherwise, and that there is absolutely no reason why anybody would care about your struggle, and that you are alone, and that there is no point in it, a man takes his leap of faith; that all things are good in their own ways, and most importantly that good orginiates from God, the natural order of all things, and that God breathes meaning to things that would otherwise have no meaning. Therefore one is content in having a relationship with God, despite everything else, because without God, the meaning of existence itself is nonexistent.

    Thank you for your blog; I hope that you and your work will be successful in reaching many other hearts that have cornered themselves in the dark.

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