Category Archives: Generosity

All-In Spending

In my last post titled “Every Cent Counts,” I explained that,

“in attempt to maximize their efficiency in the use of their money, people with OCPD generally try to spend as little as they can, especially on things that are not aligned with their passion.”

But what happens when they do come across something that they are passionate about, something that is worth spending the extra money?

People with OCPD tend to spend extremely generously when their preoccupation with the efficient use of money comes together with their hyper passion (tunnel vision).

When they find the things that have been placed in this world specifically for them, such as their one “perfect” soul mate or their one “perfect” dream job, money is hardly an issue to people with OCPD. While others hold back on their spending to be realistic and safe, people with OCPD can give up everything that they have, sometimes even drive themselves into debt in their attempt at gaining everything.

In one point in my life, without any concern for saving money, I spent all of my earnings on world travel. 

So many of the world’s greatest success stories come from this kind of disregard for money. Obsessive director James Cameron is notorious in the film world for shooting his pictures as if he is on an unlimited budget.

While it can be extremely rewarding when their tunnel vision has gotten them fixated on something destined to excel, it can also be financially devastating when their tunnel vision has gotten them fixated on something doomed to fail. Despite all the signs that signal the eventual collapse of the object of their fixation, despite all the opposition by everyone around them, people with OCPD fight until the end because they are wonderfully built to do just that.

STRENGTHS OF ALL-IN SPENDING

  • You can be infinitely generous
  • You really do put your money where your mouth is
  • You are not mentally bound by financial limitations
  • You make an excellent entrepreneur

SO WHAT NOW?

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OCPD):
Be aware that your tunnel vision often has you so focused on one priority that you tend to neglect other priorities, including other important people in your life. Train yourself to include them in your generous spending habits. If the money that you spend so generously comes from a shared pool of money with another person, understand that you do not own all the rights to that money. If the other person who you share money with does not approve of your all-in spending, do not take it personally. They are among many who cannot see or understand your obsession. If your loved ones do support you financially, accept their generosity with gratitude. Do not turn their genuine act of kindness into a cold, heartless transaction that you would get from uncaring moneylenders.

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OTHERS):
If you are the object of their fixation, consider yourself quite lucky. Enjoy their generosity and do not feel overwhelmed by the pressure to match it. Being appreciative is enough. If, however, your needs are being neglected because your OCPD friend is fixated on something else, do not take it so personally. Instead, communicate openly with your OCPD friend that you would appreciate more of his or her attention. If you and your OCPD friend share money and he or she appears to be using it excessively in a manner that worries you, communicate openly about that as well. If his or her assurance is not enough, do not be afraid to draw the line in your shared pool of money.

HOW TO CONTROL YOUR ALL-IN SPENDING (OCPD):
Whenever you are in the zone, although it feels against your nature to do so, pull yourself out a bit and consider all the other important things in your life. Though it might be painfully tedious for you to record all your spending in a spreadsheet because of your disregard for money when you are fixated on something, doing so can really help you understand the problems in the way you spend your money.

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Every Cent Counts

For the same reason that they make efficient use of their time (see earlier post titled “Human Doing”), people with OCPD also make efficient use of their money.

People with OCPD are preoccupied with the efficient use of money because their all-or-nothing thinking hyperbolizes the consequences of money that is spent in any other way.

In attempt to maximize their efficiency in the use of their money, people with OCPD generally try to spend as little as they can, especially on things that are not aligned with their passion. When shopping for an item stocked in all stores A to Z, people with OCPD most likely check out the prices in all twenty-six stores, revisit the cheapest vendor, and then further negotiate the price down until they have gotten the best possible deal.

Although their efficient use of money may accumulate to a sizable amount of savings in the long run, it can also be a source of frustration to many others who expect generosity. In the OCPD mind, generosity is an inefficient use of money because it is spending more than what is required. In their attempt to maintain their protective spending practice, people with OCPD often refrain from spending generously on others. Though people with OCPD are only trying to meet all their financial obligations while simultaneously coping with a fear that governs most of their lives, the rest of the insensitive world often belittles them and calls them “stingy.”

STRENGTHS OF MONEY-EFFICIENCY

  • You have a strong ability for money management
  • You are skilled at discerning the value of different purchasable goods and services
  • Your mind can keep track of large sums of numbers and calculations
  • You are good at bargaining

SO WHAT NOW?

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OCPD):
If the efficient use of money is that important to you, always ask for a separate bill apart from your friends so that you only complicate your own spending, not everyone else’s. Do not expect others to spend their money in the way that you do. Remember that, unless you have been assigned to a position of leadership in the management of others’ money, you really do not have any right to control how money is spent by everyone else. If others appear displeased or offended by the way you use your money, assure them that it is not out of your inconsideration for them. When others extend their generosity towards you, accept it gratefully and let their gesture enrich your relationship. If you only pretend to be grateful on the outside while treating their generosity as a debt that you are now obligated to pay back sometime in the future, you have just taken their genuine act of kindness and turned it into a cold, heartless transaction. How dare you do that! Accept their generosity for what it is and do not keep track of “debts” with your friends.

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OTHERS):
Understand that your OCPD friend is the way he or she is because of fear, not because he or she does not care about you. Do not take his or her lack of generosity personally. When your OCPD friend feels devastated by his or her inefficient use of money, provide emotional support by showing empathy. Try to help him or her see that the consequences of his or her misuse of money are not as bad as he or she thinks. If your friend attempts to control your use of money, stand your ground and say that you want to spend your money in your way, not because it is better or more efficient, but because you feel more at ease with life. If you two are married and you share a bank account with your OCPD spouse, remind your OCPD spouse that he or she is not solely in charge of the shared money. If your OCPD friend is lacking generosity in an area that means a lot to you, put down your pride for the sake of the relationship and openly communicate to him or her that you would really appreciate his or her generosity in that area. If you do not want to come across as being very unfair to your OCPD friend, you should be able to explain how you have been generous towards him or her in that area in the past. If your OCPD friend makes the effort to put his or her efficient use of money aside for you, show him or her a lot of appreciation for it. This will help your OCPD friend see that such “inefficient” use of money does make a difference.

HOW TO CONTROL YOUR MONEY-EFFICIENCY (OCPD):
Understand that your preoccupation with the efficient use of money is a cognitive distortion. When you feel distressed from the inefficient use of money, reject that negative feeling. Train yourself to feel at ease in these times. As you allow yourself to make good spending decisions rather than the best spending decisions, your mind will send messages of discomfort less frequently and less intensely in times that you do not make the most efficient use of your money. Encourage yourself with the idea that your relationships will be enriched by your generosity.

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No More Mr. Nice Guy

When one submits to the needs and concerns of others, he or she risks him or herself to be taken advantage of. In fear of this risk, people with OCPD take an aggressive approach to having their own needs and concerns satisfied first.

People with OCPD are preoccupied with finishing first because their all-or-nothing thinking causes them to be fearful of being the nice guy who finishes last.

Inside every person with OCPD, there is a very good heart. As children, most OCPDers were delightfully obedient, doing everything that they’re supposed to do (orderliness) with so much heart and excellence. Being able to do this and fulfill their duty as a good, considerate child provided them with a sense of joy.

But with age, these children discover bitterly that the world does not appreciate their devotion. They learn that sharing only leaves them with less, being honest only leaves them more vulnerable, helping others only wastes their scarce time, and that “nice guys finish last.”

When their all-or-nothing thinking leads them to believe that they have been allowing themselves to be treated like a “doormat” to the rest of the world for far too long, many oppressed OCPDers abandon their identity as a considerate “nice” person and take upon a new badass identity (such simplification of the infinite number of different options down to two extreme options is another classic example of all-or-nothing decision-making).

Though people with OCPD are in fact good-hearted people who are just scared, all that the rest of the fear-free world sees is selfish people.

STRENGTHS OF THOSE WITH OCPD WHO OVERCOME THEIR FEAR OF BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF

  • You are such a selfless and considerate person – Instead of feeling anxious about their portions being hunted down by you, people trust you and feel relaxed around you. Your selflessness is so great that it influences others to be selfless as well.
  • You are a person of strong integrity – Regardless of whether or not you get a reward out of it, you do good because you know it is the right thing to do.

SO WHAT NOW?

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OCPD):
Understand that your all-or-nothing thinking gives you a distorted perception of reality. Challenge yourself to think of the middle-ground every time that your mind gives a warning or a conclusion about others taking advantage of you. While you are with your good friends, stop yourself from thinking that every act between you and them is a deal or a transaction. When you do get the short-end of a deal, ask yourself first if the amount of your loss in that deal is really important enough to make a fuss about it. If it isn’t important enough, try to forget about it and move on without keeping track of your losses.

HOW TO CO-EXIST WITH THE OTHER (OTHERS):
Understand that your OCPD friend is the way he or she is because of fear, not because he or she does not know how to be selfless. Therefore, being selfless to your OCPD friend in hopes of teaching him or her how to be selfless is a lost cause. The best thing you can do for your OCPD friend is to show him or her that you are a trustworthy person, that his or her fear does not need to extend towards you. Continuously failing to appreciate his or her selflessness will cause your OCPD friend to trust you less and less. More than anyone else, your OCPD friend really needs encouragement and appreciation for even his smallest acts of selflessness. If you sense that your OCPD friend is having all-or-nothing thoughts about being taken advantage of, help your friend find the middle-ground in his or her assessment of the deal at hand.

HOW TO LET GO OF YOUR FEAR OF BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF (OCPD):
Understand that your all-or-nothing thinking was responsible for teaching you a false lesson in life. Despite how convincing your mind was in its extremely pessimistic assessment of your past acts of selflessness, the world did not walk all over you like a doormat. Begin today acting against that all-or-nothing thinking and allow yourself to be reeducated.

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